Why you won't be able to watch the game at home tonight and why you should just suck it up, go to a bar, and get over it.

If you are like most other Packer fans in Madison, you'll be heading out to a bar or a friend's house to watch tonight's Packers/Cowboys game on DirectTV, due to Charter's unwillingness to carry the NFL Network in its cable package. You've doubtlessly heard this very thing discussed as though it were some sort of injustice perpetrated on the unsuspecting consumers. Perhaps you are inclined to agree with the people. Your opinion isn't wrong, but the criteria by which you determine the topics that you are going to have opinions on is what is wrong. This is a non-issue.

You can't do anything about it. Hell, the NFL Network can't do anything about it. They are having a pissing match with a fella that is a little more focused on taking the girl home. All the NFL Network can do is ask you to make a phone call and ask why the NFL Network isn't on your cable system. I imagine there will be a petition coming soon and if that doesn't work, the NFL Network is totally going to spread the rumor that Charter Communications is pregnant.

First, these are businesses doing business. Your best interests are their best interests, in the long run. This dispute is temporary. This too shall pass. Demand dictates supply and there is a ton of demand for NFL programming. Second, Paul Allen will be dumping his shares of Charter at a giant loss sometime soon for tax purposes so he can offset the gains he will make in cashing out of Dreamworks Animation before Paramount makes their bid. This is obvious to anyone who likes to bullshit about stuff he has no real clue about and also to my old man, who told me all about it. That guy gets his information from some fairly credible sources, too.

Anyhew, Charter fucked up the transformation to broadband thing. Ask anyone you know that has lived recently where Time-Warner Cable is available and they'll tell you it is way better. Charter's stock isn't too hot right now and a good way for a guy as rich as Paul Allen to offset the losses is to claim them against your capital gains tax for dumping off Dreamworks Animation.

What does this have to do with why you won't have an opportunity to marvel at the sight of Terrell Owens' teeth in the comfort of your own home tonight? Simple, you don't want to be adding an expensive asset to the company you are dumping right before you dump it.

The NFL Network will find its way onto your cable system before too long, it just isn't going to be before things can get squared up for Pauly A, and not a second before that. So hold your horses. Relax. Chill. Deep breath now.

You feel better? You do? That's good.

This is what I want you to do. Go out to a bar, a packed bar, on a Thursday night. Check out some ass, any kind you like. Enjoy a beer or two. Buy the table some of those ridiculously large nachos for the table. High Five a stranger. Thank God you don't have to listen to Bryant Gumbel. Admire the luminosity of T.O.'s teeth. . . .

In short, just go out to a bar.

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